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Up until her death in 1914 at the age of 82, Old West badass “Stagecoach” Mary Fields had a standing bet at her local saloon: Five bucks and a glass of whiskey said she could knock out any cowboy in Cascade, Montana with a single punch.

When Stagecoach Mary wasn’t cracking rabid wolves in the fucking face with the stock of her ten-gauge or single-handedly building schoolhouses for poor Native American girls, you could find her in the saloons of Cascade drinking men under the table like the chick from Raiders of the Lost Ark and chomping on homemade cigars so potent that hardly any gunslinger in town had the stomach to handle them.

Apparently one day the convent handyman got all butt-hurt that Mary made more money than him, so he went around town passive-aggressively bitching and whining and sobbing hysterically to anyone who would listen about how a black woman shouldn’t make more money than him because oh boo hoo woe is me I’m so fucking emo it’s a tragedy and I’m totally posting about it on MySpace when I get home. When Mary got wind of what was going down, she cracked her knuckles, rolled up the sleeves of her work blouse, pulled out the break-top five-shooter Smith & Wesson .38 she kept under her apron at all times, stormed out behind the nunnery, challenged that jackass to a duel, and in the ensuing close-quarter gun battle she literally popped a cap in his ass, shooting him in the buttocks while emerging unscathed herself. Naturally, this got her fired. But it was totally worth it. Seriously, fuck that guy. And fuck the Bishop for firing her, even though discharging a firearm with malicious intent on the grounds of a Roman Catholic convent is probably about as worthy a cause for dismissal as you can probably ever hope for.

Braving blizzards, heat waves, driving rain and screaming winds, Mary never missed a day of work, never failed to deliver a single letter, and was never late once. Despite her gruff exterior, Mary was also kind hearted, and so beloved by the town of Cascade that when her home burned down in the fire of 1912, everyone in town got together and built her a new one.


She had a pet Eagle FFS, what a proper full-on badass.

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